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 "A
'Cut' Below the Rest" by Scott Mantz
"Urban Legends: Final
Cut"
Jennifer Morrison, Joseph Lawrence
Directed by John Ottman
We've all heard
the urban legend about the kid from the old cereal commercial ("He
likes it! Hey Mikey!") who killed himself after downing a whole
packet of Pop-Rocks with a Coke. Like all urban legends, that never
happened, but one that almost did is the one where the film critic
overdosed on popcorn during a completely unwatchable film. Actually,
that almost happened to me during "Urban Legends: Final Cut," a
teen slasher flick that's so bad that it doesn't even belong in
its genre.
The plot, for
those of you who give a hoot, centers around the prestigious Hitchcock
Award, which is given to aspiring filmmakers who show promise at
Alpine University. Apparently, the award is so important that some
people are willing to kill for it. The question is, who's the killer?
Could it be Amy (Jennifer Morrison), who just wants to make meaningful
movies when she graduates and moves to Hollywood? Could it be Graham
(Joseph Lawrence), who wants to establish an identity for himself
that's not overshadowed by his rich and powerful father? Could it
be Travis (Matthew Davis), who made a film that's so bad that he
deserves to get expelled? Or could it be...Satan? Oh, wait. Wrong
movie.
From the outset,
"Final Cut" has more in common with the equally dismal summer release
"The In Crowd" than it does with its barely watchable "Scream"-rip-off
of a predecessor. Both films features a bunch of self-absorbed,
ruthless, and insensitive kids running around with problems that
may seem like the center of the world to them, but there's no reason
for the rest of the audience to care.
Considering
that "Final Cut" is a sequel, it has very little in common with
the film that inspired it. The first "Urban Legend" at least toyed
around with the notion of what an urban legend was, as that film's
killer did away with his victims in ways that recalled "real" urban
legends. That clever approach (if you could call it that) is completely
missing from the sequel. In fact, the only leftover from the first
film is the kind-hearted security guard (Loretta Devine), who survived
that film's events only to go through it all over again.
If anything,
"Final Cut" proves that killers from slasher films are running out
of outfits to wear. "Halloween's" Michael Myers had that creepy
Captain Kirk mask, "Friday the 13th's" Jason had the hockey mask,
"Scream's" killer had the thrift store ghoul, and the killer from
"I Know What You Did Last Summer" had the fisherman's outfit. In
"Final Cut," the killer wears a fencing outfit that makes him look
like he's more prepared for the Olympics than he is for killing
some annoying kids. For that matter, he's not even scary.
Jennifer Morrison
plays the film's now stereotypical strong-but-vulnerable damsel
in distress, while Joseph Lawrence (who used to go by the name of
Joey Lawrence when he was on TV's "Blossom") shoots to erase his
squeaky-clean former image with an embarrassing role. The only saving
grace in the film is Jessica Cauffiel, who plays an M.A.W. (model-actress-whatever)
who's so intentionally bad that she's actually fun to watch.
If Alfred Hitchcock
knew that "Final Cut" made use of his name for an award, he would
probably roll over in his grave. There's no suspense, the dialogue
is terrible, and the acting is even worse. What's ironic is that
the film came out the same weekend as the reissue of "The Exorcist."
Maybe Columbia Pictures, which released it, thought that people
would be so inspired by the scares they got from "The Exorcist"
that they would run back out to see "Final Cut." No such luck. Comparing
"Final Cut" to "The Exorcist" would be like comparing The Monkees
to The Beatles. Actually, The Monkees deserve better than that.
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