"'Red' Yawn" by Scott Mantz

"Red Planet"
Val Kilmer, Carrie-Anne Moss
Directed by Antony Hoffman

Houston, we have a problem!

The crew of Mars-1 is stranded (in more ways than one) on the "Red Planet"

Mars must be cursed. In the past few years, not only has NASA produced a string of failed missions to the red planet, but so has Hollywood. If you thought that this year's "Mission to Mars" was a fiasco, then brace yourself for "Red Planet." Despite some impressive special effects (yawn!), the film crashes and burns before it even gets off the ground.

The year is 2050. Earth is on the verge of depleting the last of its natural resources, and mankind's only hope lies in the colonization of its nearest neighbor. After repeated attempts to create Earth-like conditions on the planet Mars prove inconclusive, the first manned mission is sent to discover what went wrong. A natural phenomenon cripples the mothership and separates mission commander Bowman (Carrie-Anna Moss) from her crew. Now stranded on the planet's surface, Gallagher (Val Kilmer) and his co-horts have to overcome nasty little Martian insects and a malfunctioning robot if they are going to complete their mission, get back home, and save mankind.

"Red Planet" opens with a voice-over that brings you up to date about the sad state of affairs, and that's your first indication that the movie you are about to see is going to suck. The second indication is the blatantly derivative nature of the film, which harkens back to a number of sci fi flicks, including "Alien," "Saturn 3," and, of all things, "Supernova." The third indication is the presence of Val Kilmer (and the less said about him , the better).

At least there are a few moments of genuine suspense that keep "Red Planet" from being a total waste of time. Commander Bowman uses a clever technique to put out a fire on the spacecraft, while the descent of the Mars lander on the rocky surface is a genuine roller-coaster ride.

It's too bad that what follows is an incredible amount of boredom, shoddy dialogue, and bad storytelling. When the stranded astronauts make their way across the desert to a pre-constructed home base, they argue, lose trust in each other, and use far too much techno-babble to literally explain the film. Then they have to battle miniature versions of the bugs from "Starship Troopers," while AMEE, their malfunctioned robot companion, has now decided that it wants to kill them (think the HAL-9000 computer from "2001: A Space Odyssey" meets the robot from "Saturn 3").

Val Kilmer's "who gives a damn" attitude best sums up his performance, while Carrie-Anne Moss does her best with what is essentially a repackaged version of Sigourney Weaver's character from the "Alien" movies. Terence Stamp is the aging vet who believes in a higher power, but he turns out to be the lucky one--he has the Tim Robbins' "Mission to Mars" role and is spared from being in the entire film (in other words, he dies pretty early). Benjamin Bratt is also wasted as an egotistical pilot who's more concerned about the number of hits he gets on his website than he is on the mission itself (note to Bratt: get some career advice from your girlfriend Julia Roberts. She obviously knows what she's doing).

With all the technology and money it took to push this waste product along the sci fi assembly line, you'd think the filmmakers could have come up with something better. No matter. NASA may live by the slogan "failure is not an option," but in show business, I guess it is.

Hollywood, we have a problem!

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