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 "'Bachelor'
Gets Stood Up" by Scott Mantz
"The Bachelor"
Chris O'Donnell, Renee Zellweger
Directed by Gary Sinyor
As evidenced
by the countless remakes and adaptations of TV shows, Hollywood
is clearly running out of ideas. Not that doing remakes is such
a bad thing. There are times when the remake actually surpasses
the original ("The Thomas Crown Affair"), but in most cases it doesn't
("Godzilla", "Psycho"). There are other instances where a concept
can work the first time around, but it succeeds mostly because of
the time in which it was produced. In other words, some concepts
do not age very well. That's the case here with the ridiculously
unfunny "The Bachelor".
Commitment-shy
ladies man Jimmie Shannon (Chris O'Donnell) has just botched his
marriage proposal to his adorably sweet girlfriend of three years,
Anne (Renee Zellweger). He has just inherited the family business
with assets and cash valued at over $100 million, but he will get
nothing unless he gets married by his 30th birthday. By the way,
that's tomorrow. He desperately searches all over town for a new
bride, but what he really wants is to win Anne back. If he doesn't
get married, he'll lose the business and his fortune, and 270 employees
will be out on the street.
With such a
promising start, it's unbelievable how ridiculous the movie actually
gets. We start with a witty display of visual analogies about the
perils of getting married. Men are seen as wild horses forever roaming
the plains of Bachelorville until a good woman can lasso him forever.
O'Donnell struggles between keeping his freedom or finally settling
down with the woman he loves. Then he botches the proposal with
the surrendering delivery, "You win". From there it goes so far
into absurdity that nothing can save it.
Of course, she
doesn't accept. Good for her. The problem is that no matter how
hard O'Donnell tries to change her mind, she can't go back to him
without looking weak and foolish. Zellweger plays her role with
the same charming vulnerability she displayed in "Jerry Maguire",
but her talents are pretty wasted here. Even the cast of supporting
players can't save the film. When Ed Asner, Hal Holbrook, and James
Cromwell finally have something to say, the jokes fall flat.
Even what should
have been the best scenes in the film come up short. O'Donnell tries
to convince a barrage of his past girlfriends to marry him. His
list of past failures includes Brooke Shields as a materialistic
dominatrix and Mariah Carey as a self-centered celebrity. Is this
supposed to be a stretch or an inside joke? Either way, even these
scenes don't provide for any laughs.
The idea of
a man desperately looking to marry someone--anyone--within 24 hours
sure sounds funny. It probably looks funny on paper. It was probably
funny in its original incarnation as the 1925 Buster Keaton film
"Seven Chances". It just doesn't work in the 90's. Once O'Donnell
learns of his potential inheritance, he goes about solving his problem
in a way that disconnects both male and female moviegoers. Correct
me if I'm wrong, but that doesn't leave anybody left.
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