"There's No Heart in This 'Valentine'"
by Scott Mantz

"Valentine"
David Boreanaz, Denise Richards
Directed by Jamie Blanks

Love hurts for Denise Richards and Marley Shelton in "Valentine"

I have to be honest with you--I really hate Valentine's Day! It's the one day of the year when I feel like a complete loser, and besides, I don't see what all the fuss is about. OK, I'll admit it--I probably wouldn't feel this way if I had a girlfriend, but since I'm single, my feelings are completely justified.

My feelings are also justified about the movie "Valentine." If there was ever a time that we didn't need another slasher pic, it's now, and if there was ever a slasher pic that we didn't need, it's this one. About the only thing that the hardly scary, often silly, and incredibly predictable "Valentine" has going for it is the presence of some of the sexiest young talent in Hollywood. Otherwise, the movie can best be summed up like this--roses are red, violets are blue, if you pay to see this movie, then it sucks to be you!

Remember that kid in school who everyone picked on? Well, he's back, and he's really pissed off. He starts sending threatening love letters to Kate (Marley Shelton), Paige (Denise Richards), Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw), and Lily (Jessica Cauffiel)--the girls who made fun of him when they were young--but they think nothing of it. Big mistake. It's only a matter of time before they end up dead, and not even Kate's barely-on-the-wagon boyfriend (David Boreanaz) will be able to save them. Will they find the killer before too late? Even worse, will they find a date before Valentine's Day?

With so many slasher pics flying off the Hollywood conveyerbelt these days, "Valentine's" absurdity is enough to beg the question, "Was this trip really necessary?" The answer is, "Of course not." Now admittedly, the mere presence of superbabes like Denise Richards and Marley Shelton are enough to get me into the movie theater (like I said, I'm single), and the film isn't nearly as bad as last year's "Urban Legends: Final Cut." That being the case, the scenes with the killer (who must have lifted his mask from the set of "Sugar & Spice") are just a little too familiar to fans of the genre, and they simply arenít suspenseful enough to make the film worthwhile.

Though he receives top billing, David Boreanaz (from TV's "Angel") is more like a supporting player instead of one of the leads. He shows up intermittently between death scenes, but otherwise, he really doesn't add anything to the film. After playing a bitch in "Drop Dead Gorgeous" and "Wild Things," Denise Richards plays, you guessed it, a bitch who knows she's hot and invariably gets what she deserves. As Marley Shelton continues her rise through the ranks as young Hollywood's next big thing, there's no doubt that her so-so performance (a fault that can easily be traced to the banality of the dialogue) is one that she should leave off her resume.

Love hurts, but "Valentine" is downright painful. It has more in common with the cheesy slasher films of the 80's than it does with the hip "Scream" knockoffs of the 90's, and that's no compliment. It's not worth losing your head over, and don't let the title fool you--this is not a date flick. That is, unless it's on late-night cable and you're too distracted by some very loving company to watch it.

Not that I would know anything about that. I'm single, remember?

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