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 "'Ready'
to Fumble" by Scott Mantz
"Ready to Rumble"
David Arquette, Oliver Platt, Scott Caan
Directed by Brian Robbins
If aliens from
another planet came to the Earth and assumed that its inhabitants
were just like the shows they watched on TV, then they'd probably
turn around and go home. Who could blame them? After all, "World
Championship Wrestling" and "World Wrestling Federation" are the
highest rated shows on cable. It's easy to see why. For one thing,
it's a helluva way to break free from the monotony of everyday life,
and the players are nothing if not animated. Also, it gives kids
good role models to look up to (I weep for the future!). The trick
is knowing that it's all parody, but how do you parody a parody?
Well, you don't, and "Ready to Rumble" is the reason why. Not only
do the jokes hit too far below the belt (in more ways than one),
but calling this stuff toilet humor would be an insult to toilet
humor. On the other hand, if defecation streaming from a raw sewage
truck is your idea of fun, then this one's for you.
Gordie Boggs
(David Arquette) and Sean Dawkins (Scott Caan) are a couple of losers
from Lusk, Wyoming, who make their living in the up-and-coming business
of cleaning port-o-potties. The only thing that gives their menial
lives any sense of royalty is wrestling, and to that end, Jimmy
(Oliver Platt) is their King. He's the top dog. The king of the
hill. The big cheese. The one to beat. But he's also a pain in the
neck. After he complains one too many times, crooked promoter Titus
Sinclair (Joe Pantoliano) puts an end to his wrestling career for
good. When his latest match ends in defeat, Jimmy goes into seclusion.
Gordie and Sean go on a cross-country trek to find the King, help
him regain his former glory, and return him to his rightful place
at the top of the wrestling throne.
As strange as
it may sound, "Ready to Rumble" bears a striking resemblance to
other films. Like "My Favorite Year", Jimmy is worshipped by people
who confuse him with the image he portrays. With his career in shambles,
he's been reduced to drinking his life away in a trailer park in
Atlanta. When Gordie and Sean offer to help him, he ends up helping
them realize their dreams in the process. In order for Jimmy to
get back to the top, he has to start from the bottom, not unlike
Sylvester Stallone in "Rocky III". Instead of Carl Weathers, it's
Martin Landau (of all people) who gives Jimmy a helping hand. That's
where the similarities end, and "Rumble" ends up more like a fumble.
The slapstick humor gets old after the first five minutes, and whatever
laughs are gained are lost quickly due to some disgustingly squeamish
scenes.
The one thing
that the film can honestly boast about is that it contains more
crotch-kicking jokes than any other film in motion picture history.
Whatever real laughs the film serves are saved until the very end,
as outtakes from scenes are shown over the closing credits.
It's nice to
know that winning an Academy Award for playing Bela Lugosi in "Ed
Wood" has helped Martin Landau get a role in this waste of celluloid.
What the heck was he thinking? Note to Hilary Swank--winning an
Academy Award doesn't guarantee career longevity. Note to Martin
Landau--fire your agent! David Arquette puts his "wild man from
the AT&T commercials" to good use here, but it's nothing that we
haven't already seen before. He's obviously got a lot of energy,
but it's time to put it to better use. Enough already.
Beneath all
the raw sewage steaming from their maintenance truck, beneath all
the sweat dripping from the pro wrestler's bodies, beneath all the
shouting from the obsessed fans, "Ready to Rumble" actually carries
a positive message--follow your dreams. Who could unjustly criticize
a film that teaches that kind of inspiration? If those aforementioned
aliens took a closer look at "Rumble" instead of all those wrestling
programs, maybe they wouldn't turn around and go home after all.
Actually, they'd probably blow us up instead.
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