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 "'Battle'
Grounded" by Scott Mantz
"Battlefield Earth"
John Travolta, Barry Pepper
Directed by Roger Christian
Few entertainers
have had as many comebacks as John Travolta. After a white-hot career
that burned out in the early 80's, he made his first comeback playing
a taxicab-driver-cum-reluctant-father in "Look Who's Talking". Thanks
to "Talking's" ridiculously inferior sequels, that comeback was
short-lived. Then came a low-paying gig in a little independent
film called "Pulp Fiction", and the rest is history. Ever since
that film came out in 1994, Travolta has been riding high on a wave
of success that has put him among the elite members of the coveted
$20 million club, and that success has continued up to his most
recent film, 1999's "The General's Daughter".
From the looks
of his latest movie, a pet project that he has been working on for
years, that wave is about to come crashing down, and boy, is it
gonna hurt. Not only is "Battlefield Earth" one of the worst sci
fi films to come along in years, but it just may be the worst movie
of all time period. Already a tough sell because of its connection
to the cult of Scientology, "Battlefield Earth" actually does the
impossible--it makes "Waterworld" look like a cinematic masterpiece.
The Motion Picture Association of America should add a new category
to its rating system, with this movie the first to be rated "A"--as
in "awful", "abysmal", "atrocious", "agonizing", and "abhorrent".
From what I
could tell of the convoluted and incomprehensible plot, "Battlefield
Earth" takes place in the year 3000 AD. A group of giant, dreadlocked,
dentally challenged aliens call the Psychlos have taken over the
Earth and are using the last remaining humans as slaves. A few rogue
humans are alive and well in the hills, but Jonnie (Barry Pepper)
sets off to explore the great unknown (for reasons unknown to everyone).
He is taken prisoner by Terl (John Travolta), the head security
officer for the menacing Psychlos. Noting unusual talent that separates
him from the rest of the caged human slaves, Terl puts Jonnie to
use for his own benefit. The more useful Jonnie becomes to the Psychlos,
the more powerful he becomes to the humans, who he will lead to
eventual independence.
Considering
how long it took to make this retched piece of celluloid excrement--adapted
from the novel of the same name by L. Ron Hubbard, the creator of
the Church of Scientology (to which Travolta fervently belongs)--it's
a blessed miracle that it even got made at all. Judging by the finished
product, it's not surprising that every studio in Hollywood passed
on it. Enter Elie Samaha, head of Franchise Pictures. A virtual
unknown a few years ago, producer Samaha has built his reputation
on finding film projects that actors are dying to make. He agrees
to make them, as long as they are willing to take a cut in pay.
Once he has them attached, he uses their marquee value to raise
money from foreign distribution, and viola! They have their movie.
It's a gamble that paid off earlier this year with the modest hit
"The Whole Nine Yards," but it's highly unlikely that this film
will follow in those footsteps.
From the moment
"Battlefield Earth" begins, you can't help but feel like you've
just walked in during the middle of a story--and a horrible one
at that. The whole Earth-after-the-apocalypse shtick has been done
to death in far better movies than this, and this one unimaginatively
combines bits and pieces from all of them into one laughably derivative
story. The caged humans jump around their cells much like the muted
humans in "Planet of the Apes". Washington DC is given the unkempt
makeover that looks like it was pulled right out of "Logan's Run".
The climactic battle scene using perfectly preserved air force jets
was done much better in "Independence Day". The rest of the wasteland-like
setting borrows as much from decent films like "Blade Runner" and
"The Road Warrior" as it does from fellow dogs like "Waterworld"
and "The Postman".
For a race that
was able to take over the Earth in just a few minutes, the Psychlos
sure are a bunch of idiots. Think of what would happen if a Klingon
mated with a Predator, and the Psychlos are the likely result. The
only times we see them are when they are drinking themselves into
oblivion or when they are arguing over trivial matters. The fact
that the basis for the film involves nothing more than Travolta's
attempt to steal some gold, and you get the impression of how stupid
these aliens really are.
The performances
aren't worth analyzing, and the script contains some of the worst
dialogue ever committed to the big screen. The plot is barely coherent,
and any attempt at dramatic editing only serves to push the audience
further away. There is actually one good thing about the film that
is worth mentioning. It ended.
"Battlefield
Earth" will undoubtedly join the ranks as one of the worst movies
ever made. It's too bad "Mystery Science Theater 3000" isn't around
anymore, as this film would be a perfect candidate to get torn apart
by it. As for Travolta, the only piece of advice I can give is to
either go into hiding or to destroy every available print before
it destroys him. The past few years have been good, but as the saying
goes, "all good things come to an end." It was a helluva comeback,
John. Now go away.
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