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 "Don't
Get 'Screwed'" by Scott Mantz
"Screwed"
Norm MacDonald, Dave Chappelle, Danny DeVito
Directed by Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski
Nowhere is the
saying "if he had half a brain, he'd be dangerous" more applicable
than in Hollywood. In fact, if you put the two half-brains of writer/directors
Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski together, then what you have
is downright lethal. The fact that not one, but two people can come
together and see eye to eye on a movie like this is one thing, but
the fact that they were able to get a major Hollywood studio to
green-light this piece of garbage is something else entirely. Not
only is "Screwed" a sorry attempt to replicate the lowbrow humor
of the geniuses who brought you "Dumb and Dumber" and "There's Something
About Mary," but the title of the film applies to you if you even
think about paying money to see it.
Willard (Norm
MacDonald) works as a butler for Miss Crock (Elaine Stritch), the
wealthy founder of the corporate bakery that bears her name. After
slaving away for years for little pay and no appreciation, Willard
has had enough. He and his best friend Rusty (Dave Chappelle) devise
a plan to steal Miss Crock's cute little dog Muffin and hold him
for $5 million ransom. Needless to say, things don't go as planned.
When Willard decides to fake his own kidnapping, Miss Crock refuses
to pay the ransom. Things go from bad to worse when a brain-dead
coroner named Grover (Danny DeVito) gets involved, and Willard and
Rusty are caught between Miss Crock and a hard place.
About midway
through the film, Daniel Benzali, who plays the police detective
investigating the kidnapping, has the audacity to say, "This whole
thing stinks!" He wasn't kidding. This film is so bad that you could
actually smell the stench coming from the cineplex. What also stinks
is that I actually paid good money to see it (fortunately, it was
a matinee). The story gets more ludicrous with each passing scene,
the jokes aren't funny, and none of the characters possess any redeeming
qualities whatsoever (except for maybe the dog).
If Norm MacDonald
is on a mission to sabotage his career, then he's off to a good
start. After pissing off NBC head honcho Don Ohlmeyer back in his
"Saturday Night Live" days, Ohlmeyer not only swore MacDonald would
never work for his network again, but he even refused to allow any
commercial advertising for his last movie (the equally dreadful
"Dirty Work"). You would think that MacDonald would be smart enough
to pick a film that would match his dry, sarcastic, and deadpan
humor (and maybe even make Ohlmeyer eat his words), but this film
sure isn't it. MacDonald may be good at standup comedy, but he's
certainly not an actor, and he sure can't carry a film.
Dave Chappelle
tries very hard to be the next Chris Rock or Chris Tucker, but he
doesn't even come close. Not that it's entirely his fault, since
this script is so dreadful. After earning critical kudos for his
stern performance on TV's "Murder One", Daniel Benzali walked away
after the first season to pursue a career in motion pictures. Maybe
he should have thought twice. Then again, if his goal was to appear
in bad motion pictures, then he has definitely succeeded.
On a final note,
what was Danny DeVito thinking when he signed on to play Grover?
It's a shame, because this movie hits theaters at the same time
that DeVito delivers the performance of his career in "The Big Kahuna".
Who knows? Maybe he was temporarily insane, or maybe he was just
dying for the chance to dress up as Stanley Kubrick's evil twin.
The smartest
thing about "Screwed" is the tagline that's used in the film's advertising,
which reads "everyone gets it in the end." It's smart because it
applies to everyone involved with the film--the writers, the producers,
the directors, the actors, the folks at Universal Studios, and,
of course, you, if you go anywhere near it. Trust me, my friends,
and run the other way.
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