"'Cat' Nipped"
by Toonces the Cat

"Cats & Dogs"
Jeff Goldblum, Elizabeth Perkins
Directed by Lawrence Guterman

Who's the boss? Jeff Goldblum and Elizabeth Perkins find out the hard way in "Cats & Dogs"

Contrary to (ahem!) pup-ular opinion, cats are not the root of all evil in the animal kingdom. If anything, it isn't easy being a domesticated kitty. Trust me, I know, for I just so happen to be one of the four-legged felines to which I'm referring. The fact is, my master is gone most of the day, and I'm up to my paws and whiskers trying to make use of my free time. For example, should I sleep under the bed or on the chair? Should I eat now or later? Should I take a nap before or after I eat? Which chair should I sit on when I look out the window?

Tough life, huh? OK, I've ranted enough, but I guess the reason I'm ready to cough up a hairball is because of a ridiculous Hollywood feature called "Cats & Dogs." Now, I gotta be honest, with a name like that, I thought it had to be good. After all, not only does the name of my species precede that of those clueless, dopey-eyed pups, but I also expected an accurate depiction of feline intelligence over canine carelessness.

Well, I guess a presumption like that will cost me one of my nine lives. Not only does "Cats & Dogs" rely too heavily on overused talking animal cliches that were done much better in films like "Babe" and "Dr. Dolittle," but it is also dragged through the kitty litter with a weak script and an abundance of slapstick humor that falls flat on its face. There's no doubt that kids--or at least, human kids--will go for the cutesy factor, but there's just not a whole lot for adults to grab a hold of and sink their teeth into.

In the film, Jeff Goldblum plays a scientist who neglects his family while he obsessively tries to find a cure for his allergies towards--what else?--dogs. As a result, he's completely oblivious to the fact that the greatest war the world has ever seen is about to be fought right in his own house. It's all because of Mr. Tinkles, a pampered Persian cat who is training the rest of his fellow four-legged felines to wipe dogs off the face of the earth. Can a special agent puppy named Lou save day, or will it be Friskies and cat-nip forever?

OK, so cats and dogs may not exactly be simpatico, but there's no reason to make the cats look like the bad guys. If anything, cats--at least the cats I know--are intelligent, loving, and resourceful animals. Also, since we already consider canines to be such an inferior species, why go through all the trouble to get rid of them? If anything, watching them make fools out of themselves while they fetch the paper or get daddy's slippers has been the source of great amusement over the years. (Actually, my favorite part is watching them roll over in pain until they get walked, while we just use the litter box whenever we want to!)

Anyway, back to the movie. Even on strictly cinematic terms, "Cats & Dogs" manages to screw the pooch. Sure, seeing one of the oldest myths in the book played out on the big screen is fun to watch for a while, but it's amazing how fast the novelty wears off. All the hi-tech gadgets that the pets use to outsmart each other instantly bring to mind films like "The Matrix," "Mission: Impossible" and the James Bond films, but after a while, it gets as old as stale kibble.

The human characters played by Jeff Goldblum and Elizabeth Perkins don't have much to offer, but it's pretty obvious that the actors doing the voice-overs are having the most fun. Sean Hayes gives a sinister voice to the fascist feline who is hell-bent on taking over the world (he obviously watched too many episodes of "Pinky and the Brain"), and Tobey Maguire's "aw, shucks" demeanor fits perfectly with the eager-to-please beagle he provides the voice for.

In the end, "Cats & Dogs" may not be the purr-fect movie for cat lovers, but it is sure to fit the bill as an enjoyable diversion for the kiddies. It's typical mindless fun, but then again, what did you expect? After all, when it comes to Hollywood movies, you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm long overdue for my cat nap.

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