"What Were They Thinking?" by Scott Mantz

Lists, lists, lists! It's all about lists! Everywhere you look, some magazine or TV show is going through the motions, giving us their version of the 100 best "whatevers" of the year. The fact that we're at the end of the century has only shifted this process into high gear. Now, thanks to the internet, everybody (myself included) can post their own opinions online.

It's always fun to see what's listed as the best, but sometimes it's even more fun to see what's listed as the worst. Let's face it. Even though there were more quality films released this year than any other since the 70's, there were still some real stinkers to deal with. You know the type. You're shifting in your seat with restless energy just waiting for the ending credits to appear on the screen. You're furious that you've wasted 2 precious hours of your life that you'll never get back. You get home and anxiously call the Better Business Bureau to file a claim with the Hollywood studios for not giving you what you paid for. You're so...Ok, I think I've made my point.

Just as with "best of" lists, everyone's "worst of" list is sure to differ from person to person. Keep in mind that we're looking at quality, not quantity. As it is, many of these movies made a sickening amount of money at the box office. With that said, here, finally, is my list of the most gut-wrenching, nausea-inducing, fatigue-building films of 1999. Read 'em and weep (and weep and weep and weep).

1) "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace" - I don't even know where to begin with this one, and don't give me that "oh, you were expecting too much" lecture. This was a prequel, not a sequel, so the characters I grew up with weren't even around. The ones we got were either boring, uninteresting, or just plain annoying. All I expected from George Lucas' first film as a director in 21 years was intelligence, drama, intrigue, good character development, and good special effects. What did I get? Good special effects, and these days, that's not enough. After a 17 year break since "Return of the Jedi", loyal fans were given the equivalent of a 2-hour Toys-R-Us commercial (and don't even get me started on that physical embodiment of detestibility, Jar Jar Binks). To George Lucas, I quote Michael Corleone from "The Godfather Part II"--"I know it was you, [George]. You broke my heart! You broke my heart!".

2) "The Haunting" - Jan De Bont, the director who put the word "hyper" in hyper-kinetic with "Speed" and "Twister", followed his last piece of junk, the almost unwatchable "Speed 2", with another piece of junk. If it was De Bont's goal to flood the film with so many visual effects that nothing was left for the imagination, then he succeeded. Yes, they were impressive, but as we witnessed with "The Sixth Sense" and "The Blair Witch Project", a good story can also come in pretty handy. If anything, the effects accentuated just how bad the script really was (and it was pretty bad!). Admittedly, the one thing that kept the film from being a complete waste of time was hearing the audience cheer as Owen Wilson's annoying character lost his head. Too bad they couldn't super-impose Jar Jar Binks in that one!

3) "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me" -Actually, "Austin Powers: More of the Same, but Worse" would have been more like it. Putting a 60's guy in the 90's with a hot babe who couldn't be any more different than him was part of what made the 1997 original so clever, charming, and funny. It was the ultimate "fish out of water" story. However, if you put the fish back in the water, where's the fun in that? This time around Austin goes back to the 60's to recover his mojo (well, al-righty then), and his love interest is basically a female version of himself. The gross-out humor was done better in "American Pie", and the jokes were funnier (barely) the first time around. The original caught on as a video release, so "Spy's" success was more about timing than anything else. Hopefully, Austin will take a break before he releases "Austin Powers: Beating a Dead Horse".

4) "Random Hearts" - After 15 years, this film finally got made. It shouldn't have. Even a respected director like Sidney Pollack and an A-list actor like Harrison Ford couldn't save this one. Two people come together after finding out that their dead spouses were having an affair. That sounds interesting, but what's the movie? Once Ford confronts Kristen Scott-Thomas with his revelation, about 30 minutes into the film, the movie's over. We spend the rest of the time watching Ford prance around obsessively looking for clues to--what? He's already found out what he wants to know, so what's left? If that's not enough, Ford and Scott-Thomas finally get in on in a scene that's more amusing than seductive. This heart had an erratic beat. Someone should have pulled the plug.

5) "Detroit Rock City" - KISS. Vomit. Shannon Tweed. Thank you, and good night.

Of course, the list doesn't end there. Who can forget Cuba Gooding Jr's failed attempt to save the ridiculous mess that was "Chill Factor"? How can you justify spending millions of dollars on such a schizophrenic piece of you-know-what like "Crazy in Alabama"? (Someone must have owed Antonio Banderas a favor!)

Am I being too hard? Who knows. Maybe it's all about balancing the good with the bad. Let's face it--sometimes you need to see the bad to appreciate the good. Seeing films like "The Haunting" and "Austin Powers" certainly made me appreciate spectacular movies like "Three Kings" and "The Insider" even more. Hollywood may have given us insight into the type of quality filmmaking that we can expect in the 21st Century, but don't be fooled. We still haven't seen the worst of them either.

Back to Scott's New Movie Reviews

Review Archives