|
"2000:
Couldn't Get Much Worse!" by Scott Mantz
It's a widely
held belief that the Hollywood studios wait until the fall to release
their best movies. That way, they can be fresh in the minds of Academy
voters when the time comes for them to cast their Oscar ballots.
Traditionally, it works like this: the winter is pretty ho-hum,
the summer is chock-full of high-concept eye candy, and the fall
is all about "quality."
Well, not this
year.
I can't remember
the last time I sat through so many butt-numbing, sleep-inducing,
nausea-creating movies that made me sick to my stomach. It's a good
thing that I can write these ticket stubs off as a business expense,
or else I would have asked for my money back!
The year 2000
saw not one, but two of the worst movies of all time. It also saw
one of Hollywood's most cherished and bankable stars take a creative
tumble so severe that it will undoubtedly affect his box-office
clout.
Since no "best
of' list would be complete without a "worst of" list to go along
with it, here now is my list of the worst movies of 2000!
 1)
"Book of Shadows: Blair Witch
2." In 1999, moviegoers were treated to plenty of scares
(and motion sickness), courtesy of "The Blair Witch Project." The
film--budgeted at a paltry $30,000--made over $140 million at the
box office, and faster than you can say "lame sequel," one was rushed
into production. Faster than you could say "sequels suck," "Book
of Shadows" wore out its welcome by having not a shred of the suspense,
thrills, or imagination that its predecessor had. With one fell
swoop, indie-upstart Artisan Entertainment blew it's best (and only)
chance at a franchise, and moviegoers were left footing the bill.
 2)
(tie) "Battlefield Earth"
and "Lucky Numbers."
Who would have guessed that John Travolta would have ended up being
the target of the dreaded Y2K bug? Thanks to its God-awful dialogue,
derivative story, and ridiculous costumes, "Battlefield Earth" proved
that some vanity projects are better left unmade.  The
box office failure of that film prompted Paramount Pictures to wait
until the fall to release Nora Ephron's "Lucky Numbers," but thanks
to "Battlefield's" bad aftertaste and "Numbers" own unappealing,
unfunny, and unbearable screenplay, the film still came up snake-eyes.
In the end, 2000 turned out to be one heck of an unlucky number
for John Travolta.
 3)
"Little Nicky." Adam
Sandler acts his shoe size--again--in this Peter Pan-from-hell routine
that comes up painfully short. Maybe Sandler's target audience is
finally showing signs of retirement, because "Little Nicky's" final
tally of roughly $40 million didn't come close to either of Sandler's
previous efforts ("The Waterboy" and "Big Daddy" both made over
$170 million at the box office). Lame jokes, a stupid story, and
laughable (though not intentionally) performances made the film's
brief running time go on for what seemed like 4 hellacious hours.
Even New Line parent company Time-Warner went so far as to blame
"Nicky" for the recent poor earnings report of its whole operation.
How's that for proof that the movie should have been condemned?
 4)
"Red Planet." The curse
of Mars spilled over into Hollywood with a film that made 2000's
other Mars turkey "Mission to Mars" seem like "2001: A Space Odyssey"
by comparison. Derivative of just about every gritty sci-fi movie
ever made over the past 2 decades, this trip to the red planet crashed
and burned before it even got off the ground. The performances are
even more uninspired than the overall story, and since these characters
don't care about each other, why should we care about them? Save
your money and read "The Martian Chronicles" instead.
 5)
"Scary Movie." Yeah, I
know it made a gazillion dollars at the box office, but it still
has the cinematic equivalent of a one night stand. You may laugh
your head off at some of the tasteless gags, but trust me, you'll
probably hate yourself in the morning. This spoof of "Scream" and
"I Know What You Did Last Summer" has its moments, but for the most
part, the jokes fall flat and never veer far enough from the obvious.
In the mood for a real spoof? Rent "Airplane!" and go home happy.
I also really,
really, really hated "Ready to
Rumble," "Isn't She Great," "Bait,"
"The Crew," "The
In Crowd," "Loser," "Urban
Legends - Final Cut," "Bless
the Child," and "The Art of
War."
As with everything
else in life, you have to take the good with the bad, but darnit!
Does it have to be this bad? Then again, it's only because of the
bad that we can appreciate the good. Still, none of that advice
means anything when you're sitting there, watching a movie that
starts out bad and just gets worse with each passing frame. As we
officially begin the 21st century, here's hoping that won't happen
too often.
|
